Attending that first Conference marked a moment of decision for me: a decision to do whatever it took to heal–fully. To let go of the fears that had been holding me back–the fears of being judged or rejected because of our mistakes, of not having enough time or money to devote to my own personal growth, of settling for survival as good enough and just getting by.
After seeing first-hand what was possible, I decided I was done with settling.
I was going to thrive. And I started to.
I engaged fully in community: faithfully attending weekly meetings where I absorbed the strength and wisdom of others on similar journeys through hugs, tears, stories, and laughter. For years, I hardly missed a week.
I engaged fully in embodiment: learning how to use my body to release fear and find the warmth and tingle of divine connection through fitness, yoga, and meditation. My workouts and meditations were top daily priorities and I didn’t miss them.
I immersed myself in mindfulness-based psychology: working with trained therapists and spiritual teachers, immersing myself in courses and trainings that helped me understand and name what was happening inside me through both science and spirituality. This was a significant investment in both time and money.
I’d been thriving with these pillars for about 3 years when I was hit by my toughest challenge yet: a moment that made it clear that my husband was still in mindsets I couldn’t trust, and I was still unconsciously trying to control his behavior.
I couldn’t believe it: after all that work. After all that therapy. We were still stuck in our unconscious ways.
This moment called for my deepest surrender. It helped me see the fears I was still running from: the fears underneath the surface reality of my problems.
I realized that my identity was entirely wrapped up in my roles as mother and wife, the family and faith expectations I had internalized. I didn’t know how to be myself. In a lot of ways, I didn’t know who I was.
I realized I was still terrified of the unknown. It was so hard to let go of control and trust life, trust God, when I had no idea where that would take me. I was still grasping, still trying to secure an outcome that felt safe.
I realized how much desperate energy was attached to my wanting to be a good person. But whose definitions was I living by? I was still hooked into other people’s rules and opinions of me. I could sense this was holding me back from my most powerful, authentic self and the inner freedom I longed for.
This awakening was the real moment of decision for me: more of a jumping off the cliff than anything I had previously done. It was the moment I truly let go and offered my whole life to God, the Universe, a Greater Good—wherever that would lead me.
I stopped trying to manage my husband (or anybody else), control the outcome, or control other people’s perceptions of me, and I started living a grand experiment, focusing my full attention inward:
What is at my center right now, in this present moment?
Is my heart open? Do I feel connected to myself, to God?
What do I need to take ownership of, to make myself right, inside and out, right now?
What is life asking of me in this moment, and am I willing to give it, with my whole heart?
This was a whole nother level of living: a whole nother level of surrender and thriving and accountability and growth. And it would take me on a next-level journey.
If you’re a sucker for a crazy happy ending, watch for my email tomorrow, because what happened next still blows my mind.