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When the plot twist is exactly what you didn’t know you needed

Attending that first Conference marked a moment of decision for me: a decision to do whatever it took to heal–fully. To let go of the fears that had been holding me back–the fears of being judged or rejected because of our mistakes, of not having enough time or money to devote to my own personal growth, of settling for survival as good enough and just getting by.

After seeing first-hand what was possible, I decided I was done with settling.

I was going to thrive. And I started to.

I engaged fully in community: faithfully attending weekly meetings where I absorbed the strength and wisdom of others on similar journeys through hugs, tears, stories, and laughter. For years, I hardly missed a week.

I engaged fully in embodiment: learning how to use my body to release fear and find the warmth and tingle of divine connection through fitness, yoga, and meditation. My workouts and meditations were top daily priorities and I didn’t miss them.

I immersed myself in mindfulness-based psychology: working with trained therapists and spiritual teachers, immersing myself in courses and trainings that helped me understand and name what was happening inside me through both science and spirituality. This was a significant investment in both time and money.

I’d been thriving with these pillars for about 3 years when I was hit by my toughest challenge yet: a moment that made it clear that my husband was still in mindsets I couldn’t trust, and I was still unconsciously trying to control his behavior.

I couldn’t believe it: after all that work. After all that therapy. We were still stuck in our unconscious ways.

This moment called for my deepest surrender. It helped me see the fears I was still running from: the fears underneath the surface reality of my problems.

I realized that my identity was entirely wrapped up in my roles as mother and wife, the family and faith expectations I had internalized. I didn’t know how to be myself. In a lot of ways, I didn’t know who I was.

I realized I was still terrified of the unknown. It was so hard to let go of control and trust life, trust God, when I had no idea where that would take me. I was still grasping, still trying to secure an outcome that felt safe.

I realized how much desperate energy was attached to my wanting to be a good person. But whose definitions was I living by? I was still hooked into other people’s rules and opinions of me. I could sense this was holding me back from my most powerful, authentic self and the inner freedom I longed for.

This awakening was the real moment of decision for me: more of a jumping off the cliff than anything I had previously done. It was the moment I truly let go and offered my whole life to God, the Universe, a Greater Good—wherever that would lead me.

I stopped trying to manage my husband (or anybody else), control the outcome, or control other people’s perceptions of me, and I started living a grand experiment, focusing my full attention inward:

What is at my center right now, in this present moment?

Is my heart open? Do I feel connected to myself, to God?

What do I need to take ownership of, to make myself right, inside and out, right now?

What is life asking of me in this moment, and am I willing to give it, with my whole heart?

This was a whole nother level of living: a whole nother level of surrender and thriving and accountability and growth. And it would take me on a next-level journey.

If you’re a sucker for a crazy happy ending, watch for my email tomorrow, because what happened next still blows my mind.

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The moment that changed my life forever…eventually for the better

Eleven years ago, I was a busy, juggling mom of four. I had one kid on my hip, another tugging my arm, and the other two chasing circles as I navigated hefty church responsibilities and a part-time job teaching University fitness classes. My husband had recently started his own business, and even though it was stressful, I thought we were living the dream.

The desperate striving, the nonstop calendars, the frequent arguments—I thought it was all normal —the price of success even, and I just kept swimming.

A year later, on a quiet Sunday night after our kids were in bed, my husband disclosed an extramarital relationship that completely rocked my world.

I spent days in bed with covers pulled over my head. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was flat on my face, broken. All the balls I was juggling lay scattered on the floor, and for the first time in my life, I had no drive or capacity to pick them up. I was stunned. Baffled. Enraged. Hopeless.

I had no idea what to do.

For over a year, I desperately flailed for somebody to rescue me. I devotedly did everything I could think of: I read books, pored through scriptures, listened to podcasts, went to therapy, met with church leaders, wrote hundreds of journal pages. My husband was fully on board to do all he could to save our marriage and he quickly found sobriety from his acting out behaviors.

But it didn’t fix the dark, gaping hole I felt inside.

A year past rock bottom, my husband and I attended a large Conference focused on the very problems we were dealing with. My heart was pounding as I walked into the crowded halls, buzzing with people. I was afraid I would see someone I knew. I was afraid of our shameful secret.

But I was even more compelled to hear the speakers: authors whose books I had read and who had walked through the very darkness we were stuck in. So we went, crossing our fingers that we would quietly blend into the background.

As my husband and I settled into our seats, our hands tightly clasped, my fears melted away. The words spilling out from presenters’ mouths told our story, spoke my heart. These people knew what I was experiencing, and they knew what it took to heal from it because they had done it themselves.

After a year of running in circles and going nowhere, I could feel the difference between going through motions with “theoretical experts” and getting in the trenches with lived-experience warriors who could help walk me through my own journey.

Attending this Conference turned out to be a crucial turning point, for several reasons.

One: We actually DID run into people we knew there—and amazingly, it was fine! They seemed happy to see us, and didn’t ask any personal details. In fact, it was a huge relief to realize that maybe we weren’t alone in our struggles.

Two: Suddenly we had access to a specialized toolkit we hadn’t even known existed—people, strategies, and resources that could help us deeply heal—for the long haul.

From that point forward, everything began to change for us, but not overnight. In fact, this moment was just the beginning: the moment we realized we couldn’t do it on our own.

There were so many challenges to face before we reached the point we are now, where we can honestly claim this 12-step promise: “We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.”

Tomorrow I’ll fill you in on the bumpy road this beginning led to: a messy middle that would ask me to face challenges I could never have expected.

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Unpopular Opinion — Couples Work Will Not Save Your Marriage

Today I offer an unpopular opinion: that couples work will not save your marriage.

Before you reject the idea–hear me out.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We’ve survived betrayal, addiction recovery, major career shifts, rebellious teenagers, faith expansions… and I’m sure we’ve many unexpected adventures yet to face.

Therapy, including couples therapy, has been a significant factor in our ability to not only survive these challenges, but to eventually thrive through them.

So what do I mean when I say that “Couples Work will not improve your marriage?”

When our marriage blew up 10 years ago in the aftermath of betrayal, we made a forever shift: from seeing ourselves as co-passengers in the same boat, to seeing ourselves as individuals who were choosing to row our boats alongside each other, theoretically toward a shared destination.

This shift created a fundamental differentiation. 

It drew a line in the sand that suddenly made clear our true, individual responsibilities.

Suddenly, we were each firmly in charge of our own life path, toward our own growth. 

We couldn’t unconsciously expect the other to pursue our desired destination at the same pace at the same time.

We couldn’t blame each other for the ways we found ourselves paddling in circles.

We became clear about our partnered reality: “I am accountable for my own happiness. I am accountable for my own resentment.”

With this essential understanding in place, my husband and I began a new phase of our journey together: a phase defined by mutual respect, by clear self-directed boundaries, by a deeper sense of self, by tools that improved our communication, and by the clear understanding that each day, we get to choose to stay connected, to turn towards each other….or not.

The more we both took ownership of our own journey and our own state of consciousness in each moment, the more our couples’ issues seemed to dissolve…all on their own. 

When I look at the heavy lifting that moved us from the brink of divorce to a thriving partnership, it is the INDIVIDUAL AWARENESS we both committed ourselves to that made all the difference.

At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we teach mindfulness: simple self-reflective practices and principles that can help you take full ownership of your own state of consciousness.

We do this because we truly believe that this is the path to peace: in our inner world, our personal world, and the world at large.

We believe that life is supposed to be a beautiful adventure of discovery fueled by love, not fear.

In relationships, when you step fully into your OWN adventure, you implicitly invite your partner to do the same.

Maybe they’ll choose to LEVEL UP with you, maybe they won’t.

But regardless…your OWN higher frequency will start to change the vibration of your partnership.

If you’ve been telling yourself that you’re waiting for your partner to get on board so you can improve the quality of your relationship, think again.

The time is NOW and the ball is firmly in your court.

You can choose to change yourself.

You can choose to take full ownership of your attitudes, mindsets, expectations, and behaviors.

You can change the way you engage with your partner.

And no one can stop you. 

Our mindfulness-based programs are an amazing invitation to engage in a framework that can help you realize such a differentiated, empowered coupleship.

It’s a journey, not a destination, and one that is best achieved when nurtured consistently through principle, practice, and supportive community.

If you’d like to learn more about our Couples Retreat or our Mindful Living Programs, we’d love to help you achieve your highest potential of joy in your daily living and intimate relationships.

Hoping to Inspire us all to Reach for More, with Love and Joy,

Becky

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Marriage was Never Meant to be a Struggle

Marriage was never meant to be a struggle.

If you find yourself dreading the next argument with your spouse, living for your next chance to check out and numb yourself, or constantly burdened with feelings of resentment…  you’re probably approaching it the wrong way.

You can choose to shift your meaning…

See marriage as a vehicle to let go of your small, personal self.

Nothing will reveal your ego, your blind spots, and the coping strategies that keep you stuck better than your marriage.

See marriage as a way to explore your deepest capacity for connection. 

This is what all humans yearn for, and in marriage, the opportunity to explore intimacy is right here in front of you–mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Great marriages are a shared adventure that help us wake up and in a world that has gone numb, to actually feel something.

Great marriages are a safe place to express your own creativity, carve a unique path through life, and to try things out.

Great marriages are a soft landing when we fail, struggle, or suffer.

Through marriage, we can evolve into highly differentiated beings with the capacity to own our own stuff so we can respond to others with wisdom and compassion.

By actively engaging in and nurturing our marriage, we show the universe (and our partner) we are serious about our personal growth and our potential for joy.

Lastly, through marriage, we can spread love, raise consciousness, and serve.

If you are single, please replace the word “marriage” with “intimate relationships.” Married or single, our intimate relationships are meant to be the icing on the cake of our lives, not our primary burdens.

This week, pay attention to the way you talk about and think about your marriage or your intimate partner.

Are you viewing your intimate life as your greatest adventure, or a drama to be dealt with?

Rooting for you and  the infinite growth potential of your intimate relationships,

Becky

P.S. We’ve still got spots at our Couples Retreat September 5-8. You can find more information here.

P.P.S. If you’re serious about a long-term life change that will give you framework and tools to truly transform your marriage, consider joining us in the fall as we kick off our next session of our Course in Mindful Living. Stay tuned for more info!