Unpopular Opinion — Couples Work Will Not Save Your Marriage

Today I offer an unpopular opinion: that couples work will not save your marriage.

Before you reject the idea–hear me out.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We’ve survived betrayal, addiction recovery, major career shifts, rebellious teenagers, faith expansions… and I’m sure we’ve many unexpected adventures yet to face.

Therapy, including couples therapy, has been a significant factor in our ability to not only survive these challenges, but to eventually thrive through them.

So what do I mean when I say that “Couples Work will not improve your marriage?”

When our marriage blew up 10 years ago in the aftermath of betrayal, we made a forever shift: from seeing ourselves as co-passengers in the same boat, to seeing ourselves as individuals who were choosing to row our boats alongside each other, theoretically toward a shared destination.

This shift created a fundamental differentiation. 

It drew a line in the sand that suddenly made clear our true, individual responsibilities.

Suddenly, we were each firmly in charge of our own life path, toward our own growth. 

We couldn’t unconsciously expect the other to pursue our desired destination at the same pace at the same time.

We couldn’t blame each other for the ways we found ourselves paddling in circles.

We became clear about our partnered reality: “I am accountable for my own happiness. I am accountable for my own resentment.”

With this essential understanding in place, my husband and I began a new phase of our journey together: a phase defined by mutual respect, by clear self-directed boundaries, by a deeper sense of self, by tools that improved our communication, and by the clear understanding that each day, we get to choose to stay connected, to turn towards each other….or not.

The more we both took ownership of our own journey and our own state of consciousness in each moment, the more our couples’ issues seemed to dissolve…all on their own. 

When I look at the heavy lifting that moved us from the brink of divorce to a thriving partnership, it is the INDIVIDUAL AWARENESS we both committed ourselves to that made all the difference.

At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we teach mindfulness: simple self-reflective practices and principles that can help you take full ownership of your own state of consciousness.

We do this because we truly believe that this is the path to peace: in our inner world, our personal world, and the world at large.

We believe that life is supposed to be a beautiful adventure of discovery fueled by love, not fear.

In relationships, when you step fully into your OWN adventure, you implicitly invite your partner to do the same.

Maybe they’ll choose to LEVEL UP with you, maybe they won’t.

But regardless…your OWN higher frequency will start to change the vibration of your partnership.

If you’ve been telling yourself that you’re waiting for your partner to get on board so you can improve the quality of your relationship, think again.

The time is NOW and the ball is firmly in your court.

You can choose to change yourself.

You can choose to take full ownership of your attitudes, mindsets, expectations, and behaviors.

You can change the way you engage with your partner.

And no one can stop you. 

Our mindfulness-based programs are an amazing invitation to engage in a framework that can help you realize such a differentiated, empowered coupleship.

It’s a journey, not a destination, and one that is best achieved when nurtured consistently through principle, practice, and supportive community.

If you’d like to learn more about our Couples Retreat or our Mindful Living Programs, we’d love to help you achieve your highest potential of joy in your daily living and intimate relationships.

Hoping to Inspire us all to Reach for More, with Love and Joy,



Marriage was Never Meant to be a Struggle

Marriage was never meant to be a struggle.

If you find yourself dreading the next argument with your spouse, living for your next chance to check out and numb yourself, or constantly burdened with feelings of resentment…  you’re probably approaching it the wrong way.

You can choose to shift your meaning…

See marriage as a vehicle to let go of your small, personal self.

Nothing will reveal your ego, your blind spots, and the coping strategies that keep you stuck better than your marriage.

See marriage as a way to explore your deepest capacity for connection. 

This is what all humans yearn for, and in marriage, the opportunity to explore intimacy is right here in front of you–mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Great marriages are a shared adventure that help us wake up and in a world that has gone numb, to actually feel something.

Great marriages are a safe place to express your own creativity, carve a unique path through life, and to try things out.

Great marriages are a soft landing when we fail, struggle, or suffer.

Through marriage, we can evolve into highly differentiated beings with the capacity to own our own stuff so we can respond to others with wisdom and compassion.

By actively engaging in and nurturing our marriage, we show the universe (and our partner) we are serious about our personal growth and our potential for joy.

Lastly, through marriage, we can spread love, raise consciousness, and serve.

If you are single, please replace the word “marriage” with “intimate relationships.” Married or single, our intimate relationships are meant to be the icing on the cake of our lives, not our primary burdens.

This week, pay attention to the way you talk about and think about your marriage or your intimate partner.

Are you viewing your intimate life as your greatest adventure, or a drama to be dealt with?

Rooting for you and  the infinite growth potential of your intimate relationships,


P.S. We’ve still got spots at our Couples Retreat September 5-8. You can find more information here.

P.P.S. If you’re serious about a long-term life change that will give you framework and tools to truly transform your marriage, consider joining us in the fall as we kick off our next session of our Course in Mindful Living. Stay tuned for more info!


What’s a “Normal” Marriage? – An Invitation to Our Couples Retreat

What is “Normal”?

Life is crazy. This is something we all know. And that’s “normal.” Right?!

For the first 13 years of our marriage, I thought it was completely normal to be chronically over-busy, stressed about work, barely managing to get our kids where they needed to go.

By the time each day ended, all that Nate (my husband) and I had time and energy left for was to plop ourselves on the couch and watch Netflix together.

But when our marriage hit a crisis, I realized I wanted to throw “normal” out. I realized that “normal” is what got us where we were–disconnected from each other, exhausted, resentful, and only going through the motions of life.

That’s when Nate and I started living a completely different way–a “New Normal” is what we called it.

We learned how to pay attention to our emotions, to our bodies—our energy levels, our sense of being aligned or being dysregulated. We learned how to honor and answer our own needs in the moment, and woke up to the fact that we were often unconsciously expecting the other to meet expectations we had not even expressed.

We began to take ownership of our own happiness, and our own resentment too. We learned how to communicate better, in ways that were more accountable and less confrontational. We found we could suddenly have a discussion instead of an argument and that there was less defensiveness all around.

All of these life-changing outcomes came from simple but consistent mindfulness-based practices: becoming more aware of who we really are and how we engage with the world.

All of these changes took place over time—they are still part of a practice–a new way of living–a NEW NORMAL—but they started with one crucial decision.

The decision that we wanted MORE.

That we were no longer going to settle for surviving…we wanted to THRIVE.

Our marriage is still a practice–we’re not perfect and never will be, but we’re always engaged in building something beautiful together, and that’s exciting and deeply fulfilling.

The Lifehouse Body & Soul Couples Retreat could be such a moment of decision for your coupleship. We’ll be in a beautiful place, comfortable and private accommodations, with gorgeous, healthy, delicious food, and lots of time and space spent learning and practicing the tools that can create a NEW NORMAL for you.

In life, I truly believe there are no magic wands or shortcuts, but there ARE simple mindsets and practices that can guide you back to the part of you that always knows your next right step, every step of the way: your own Higher Self.

If your heart and mind are open, I can promise you that this Retreat will give you the opportunity to find this whole and holy place within you. And when you leave us, I hope you’ll have discovered, it’s all you really need.

I hope you’ll consider practicing with us. It’s going to be amazing!

Learn more here: Couples Retreat

Love, Becky